Pond Scum Sound First Blast Against “The Monstrous Regiment of Women”

Posted by on Sep 04, 2014 | 2 Comments

In a provocative statement released today, New Zealand’s population of pond scum have united to state that they believe the female gender of the species Homo Sapiens are actually the lowest form of life.

Swamp Thing, a gelatinous blob that defecates and speaks from the same orifice, and acting as the pond scums’s spokesthing, claimed that human “fluff” really are the lowest of the low, stating that it was the common belief among all pond scum sub-species and must therefore be true.

The campaign against women is not the first the pond scum community have mounted.

The campaign against women is not the first the pond scum community have mounted.

In between spewing mouthfuls of faeces, Mr Thing said “These primordial creatures, with their weird floppy bits, long legs and shrill call, they are actually utterly disgusting. Their monstrous regiment must be halted.”

The statement goes on to outline the pond scum’s position on inter-species breeding. “They don’t want to mate with us because they find us disgusting, but we don’t care. Even if we wanted to mate with them (which we don’t), we find them even more disgusting.”

Thing claimed this was a common belief among all pond scum, both in his pond and more generally in the surrounding field; “That flaccid-looking green wart-like organism over there dribbling mucus from its eye sockets can’t stand the human “doris”. Just looking at them and imagining what’s under their clothes gets him so unnerved that it makes him digest and excrete his genitals as a kind of primordial soup” he said.

Sid Flacc, a brown stain that clings to submerged logs and absorbs eel shit through his skin using a primitive version of osmosis, agreed. “These creatures make me shiver with disgust. They’re big, they don’t eat fish crap like me, and they think they can squish us. Who do they think they are?” he opined, before dividing his single cell into two and attempting to infect a nearby moth larvae by inserting his ovipositor into its eye.

Hermaphrodite Slime Cater, a cancer-spreading single celled organism whose pockmarked, translucent skin only partially hides the fact that his brain consists of a single atom of methane, was equally harsh in his criticism. “Vaginas bad, vaginas bad, vaginas bad” he gasped emphatically, before using his primitive, microscopic sex organ to penetrate himself in the bottom, in the process accidentally farting out his brain.

From a young age, Judith was fascinated by pond scum, and with her friends would eviscerate them for fun in her Mum’s blender, blocking her ears to their cries of anguish. Only later would she learn to befriend them.

Biologist Nick Haggard expressed no surprise when hearing of the statement. “It doesn’t surprise me at all” he said. I’ve been studying these blob-like smear things for years, and it seems to be a common theme among all primitive life forms; they have this over-inflated view of their own place in the food chain. The reality is; most of them tend to survive by eating the shit of those further up the food chain, excreting it as a toxic slime, before re-ingesting it as a form of defence mechanism. This latest statement is just another smear campaign to make sure we remember what life is like at the bottom of the food chain. ”


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  1. Elly van Eel says:

    Woh. Such murky depths and the horrors that dwell there. I must admit this article gave me mirth… a laugh, a grin and a smile. But dare I share it with others? Perhaps not, some of them may not have funny hats and I would lose some likes! But thanks anyway.

  2. Ian says:

    Has life at the bottom of the pond gone to your head? I suggest you come up for air!

    Editor’s Note: This article was in response to the publication of some appalling email conversations between Cameron Slater and the Head of the Taxpayers’ Union Jordan Williams, which displayed a repugnant level of misogyny. Much to my surprise, the story disappeared from the news sites quite quickly.

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