Sources in the Japanese whaling industry have confirmed the Manke Whale, a new species recently discovered breaching in New Zealand politics could be “perfect fodder” for the Japanese whale meat market.
Francis Fukuyama, spokesman for Japan’s largest whaling cartel, said the species exhibited many of the characteristics considered “ideal meat” for the Japanese palate. “Not only does the species appear to have no spine, which makes for easy processing, its corpulent, soft flesh matches the Puffer Fish for sheer toxicity – a famed delicacy in Japan. On top of that, the extremely oleaginous nature of its oil reserves suggest it is perfectly designed for the conservative Japanese palate. This is all our culinary dreams come true in one great ceteceanic specimen.”
When asked if he would take action against the Japanese whaling fleet should it target Manke whales, Sea Shepherd boss Paul Watson said “To be honest, we’d probably work with the Japanese to help them locate any specimens of this creature. It’s more virus than whale. In fact, we’ve just installed a harpoon on the Steve Irwin, in case we come across one.” Watson added “They’re also quite easy to find; while they tend to prefer to wallow in the murky depths with other invertebrates, their ballast of foul, noxious air invariably forces them to the surface, where they splash their fins about trying to impress the alpha male, while also scaring the small fry.”
Scientists claim this bizarre ritual often results in the Manke beaching themselves on shallow reefs, where they eventually perish, crushed by their own weight.
Fukuyama would not be drawn on the status of talks regarding an initial quota for the Manke Whale, currently under way with the NZ government. However, he said the government seemed reluctant to reveal exactly how many members of the species there were.
“They’ve indicated there might be a few in the Cabinet, although if they can fit in a cabinet they might be pretty small specimens. We would also be concerned about the refrigeration in such an environment, unless of course that particular cabinet is dark, dry, airless and populated only by harmless parasites. While we’re assured that it is the case, such an environment, if not properly maintained, can lead to the spread of malignant viruses such as Collitis Judicia.”
Although extremely rare, Collitis Judicia is a form of severe colonic inflammation that is caused by the overconsumption of the Manke Whale’s agglutinative oils. However, it will breed quite quickly if its immediate environment tends to be populated by sluggish, or effete bacteria.
“One would have to consume an obscene amount of Manke oil to become afflicted, but it is known to be addictive to certain types of people” said Fukuyama. “However, most of these people suffer from such powerful personality flaws that they tend to be institutionalised, and very few such institutions serve whale meat to their patients” he said.
Symptoms of Collitis Judicia include delusions of greatness, wanting to be feared and a love of Chinese food.