Devonport Speculator Admits To Harbouring The NSA

Posted by on Sep 17, 2014 | 1 Comment

In an extraordinary development this morning, The Devonport Speculator has admitted it is harbouring the NSA at its Auckland-based headquarters in Devonport.

The NSA has been on the run since it admitted recording millions of conversations and emails of ordinary people going about their lives and then sharing these with the US entertainment giant Warner Brothers as raw material for its films and video games – via its content portal service “Ispywithfivelittleeyes.”

Speculator spokesman Mick Flam said “The NSA provides one of the most important content access portals for US corporate interests such as the entertainment industry. It is involved in the collection and dissemination of the minutiae of thousands of people’s lives worldwide. The NSA has been hounded and persecuted by the forces of the public mob which stubbornly refuses to accept their lives are the private property of the rich and powerful. It is time someone stood up and was counted alongside this honourable organisation and its fight for open access to everyone’s digital information.”

Flam continued; “Kim Dotcom is an obvious case of copyright infringement. His life story – particularly recently – has become so implausible, it is clearly in violation of the copyright of some of the more ludicrous films produced at great cost by Warner Brothers-funded film studios. This cannot be tolerated.”

Flam went on to claim that as a result of Dotcom’s activity, Warner Brothers had had to cancel an upcoming film going under the working title of King Com.

The NSA, from a secret location somewhere in Devonport, released a statement that claimed it was “completely innocent” of any wrongdoing and had simply been catering to the demands of its users; like entertainment giant Warner Brothers CEO Francis Fukuyama.

The "New Devonport Library" actually contains a cylindrical interrogation cell-like structure.

The “New Devonport Library” actually contains a cylindrical interrogation cell-like structure.

The statement read “Mr Fukuyama is concerned that by living their lives, the general public are infringing his copyright over the story of their existence, which he makes millions from by turning them into sub-standard, sentimental films and video games about realising your potential, fighting for what’s right, and sacrificing black characters to win the girl. Mr Fukuyama doesn’t mind people living their lives, but they should realise they cannot infringe on his rights either.”

Don “Key” Kong, animated gorilla, video game bad guy and Prime Minister of New Zealand, was shocked to learn of the presence of the NSA in New Zealand. “Apart from being programmed to kidnap a blonde maiden, sign the TPP and hurl barrels at Kim Dotcom, I have no recollection of ever having met Mt Fuji” said Kong.

Kong was later seen engaging in a fierce battle with Dotcom, who managed to strike a deft blow to Kong’s head with a gigantic hammer. Before escaping  up a rope ladder with the blonde virgin, later identified as Jerry “Crusher” Collins, Kong was heard to yell “Doesn’t hurt, wasn’t using my cortex anyhow.” Kong then attempted to activate his spear gun in the direction of Dotcom, but a lack of training led to him being unable to operate the weapon effectively, and he ended up shooting himself in the foot.

Hostage and blonde bombshell “Crusher” Collins is also no stranger to controversy. She became famous in 2013, after falling foul of Mr Fukuyama’s little henchmen in Japan following a dispute in a department store. The incident involved a large knife and a stolen bottle of champagne, which Collins later tried to break over the head of Serious Fraud Office chief Dr Feelgood.

Local Board Chair "Mike Cohen", or Ian Fleming to his friends, oversees the construction of the NSA base in Devonport.

Local Board Chair “Mike Cohen”, or Ian Fleming to his friends, oversees the construction of the NSA base in Devonport.

The Speculator would not confirm that the ongoing construction on the site of the old library in central Devonport had anything to do with the establishment of new offices for the NSA.

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1 comment

  1. Pistol Peter says:

    You’re funny Speckie but I wish our authorities weren’t such a rich source of material.
    Sign our petition here: http://www.actionstation.org.nz/royal_commission_cleanup_politics
    and follow us here: http://humanrightsfoundation.wordpress.com
    – gets you straight into their hard-drives without passing Go

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