The Speculator Tracks Down The Snow Globe Yeti

Posted by on Jan 03, 2011 | 2 Comments

The Speculator, in keeping up with the latest journalistic trends of making up the topic of a nature documentary on the spurious grounds of it having something to do with “teaching kids about conservation” –  when it’s really more to do with the host showing how not scared of big spiders / crocodiles / sharks etc etc he is –  secretly embarked on its own investigative wildlife extravaganza.

The purpose of The Speculator’s documentary was to track down THE YETI. But not any old Yeti. And certainly not the boring old Yeti of the Himalayas, who blunders around in the cold looking like an over-sized, albino wombat on its hind legs.

No, The Speculator was determined to hunt down THE SNOW GLOBE YETI.

Yes, lurking among the decorations of that harmless-looking inflatable snow storm was a monster.

Since the sinister snow scene came to town, residents walking their dogs at night have reported seeing a large, bear-like creature, lolloping about the streets.

Skateboarders, some of them as young as 3, returning home from a fun-filled night of skateboarding off the Devonport wharf in the early hours of the morning, have also reported a bear like apparition lurking in the shadows. Social services had initially assumed this was their parents keeping an eye on them, but this was soon discounted as “extremely unlikely,” given the likelihood of their parents knowing where their kids were was considered by Police to be “less than zero.”

Driving down to Devo central one day to relieve Glengarry of a bottle of crisp Chardonnay and Asahi a packet of sushi, The Speculator happened across an extraordinary sight; a large bear-like creature looking lost and a little bewildered.

Sure enough, the idiotic ursine had been out on the town hiding in shadows and scaring children, rummaging in rubbish bins and hunting for salmon in the local fountains, completely unaware the snow globe had packed up and moved on.

Hungrily eyeing the salmon in The Speculator’s sushi packet, the creature suggested what it referred to as The Speculator’s “portly” frame had seen “enough Xmas treats for one year” and that the sushi would be better eaten by someone who was not only really hungry but also had “quite sharp” claws.

Attempting to deploy its wit in response, The Speculator suggested “portly” was an over-exaggeration and given the yeti bear’s size it was in no position to nitpick.

It was around this time that it began to dawn on The Speculator that not only had it bitten off more than it could chew, the yeti bear thingy was pondering the pros and cons of taking a bite out of The Speculator – which it could unquestionably  chew and swallow, and probably follow up with at least another.

Deciding to extricate itself from the deteriorating situation, The Speculator conceded its physique  might be a “little overblown around the abdominals”, and promptly fled  – without the Sushi (or the Chardonnay for that matter, for the creature had spotted it was a 2006 Jules Taylor), but did manage to secure a photograph for its beloved readers and ad-clickers of this cantankerous caniform.

Relaxing at home after the incident, The Speculator reflected upon the day’s events, and realised an important lesson had been learnt. Namely – if you hit town for some food today, you better not go overblown, for today might be the day the yeti bears have their nitpick.

The "Yeti Bear" stalking The Speculator on Calliope Rd

The "Yeti Bear" stalking The Speculator on Calliope Rd

2 comments

  1. Julia says:

    Utterly brilliant – an hilarious start to our day! How do you do it??!!!

  2. TR says:

    ha ha ha – I love getting one of your great LOLs (laugh out louds) to start the day – wonderful therapy they say and this, one of the best so far – thanks 🙂

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