In what will come as a relief to its readers, but as a decisive shot in the arm to its owners, the Reserve Bank has declared that The Devonport Speculator is “too big to fail.”
“We may as well be up front now” said a government official. “The NZ economy simply cannot survive without the omnipotent presence of the Speccie.”
This is excellent news for The Speculator’s owners Vince and Val Flam, who have been spending up large on the back of what financial analysts describe as a “pathetic piss-trickle” of revenue.
The Flams, recently back from a trip to Dubai spoke to the press as they disembarked from their private jet, and said they were “pleased, relieved and ready for the next bonus payment. For a moment there we thought we might have to demand our $2tn a year pension, which we were hoping to keep for later” said Ms Flam.
The government move came as The Speculum’s accountancy firm Strange, Brown & Smellie (SBS) declared The Speculator’s accounts to be “riddled” with debt brought about by “the excessive payment of bonuses to the owners and their er, auditors.”
Officials stated the audited accounts revealed The Speculator to be “about $100 trillion in debt, give or take a billion.” Accountants at SBS were excited about the possibility of having to invent a the next number up from a trillion, with the office poll currently favouring “zillion.”
The payments were apparently made as part of the incentive scheme set up by the company’s remuneration committee, whose members include the Flams and Sir Ima Strange 1 (the First), CEO of SBS.
The incentive scheme’s pay-out structure required that The Speculator’s management meet aggressive revenue and debt targets, with the greater the margin between the two obtained, the larger the payments made to those executives selected for the scheme. “Businesses are built on margin” said Flam. “We call it the Margin of Error. Read about it in my upcoming book.”
“We’re pretty sharp operators. We’ve generated some huge numbers, spent a shed load of cash on looking rich and now we’re back for more” Flam said as he lifted his tumescent, twitching snout from the trough of nouvelle-slops seasoned with Kakapo vomit. “With this announcement, it looks like the government is going to cough up. Go Us!”
The Speculator understands that the Flams will be paid $1.75 billion per hour to assist in the design of the recovery package. Said Flam; “We’re experts in delivering close to light speed near-vertical revenue trajectories. We’re worth every cent. Whatever they are.”
Editor’s Note: Readers may be interested to know that it has been estimated that US banks registered with US Securities Commission have paid out $US2 trillion in bonuses and salaries to employees and management in the last five years.