Having observed the cut and thrust of another year of life in Devonport, The Devonport Speculum is proud to present its 2011 Community Awards.
The Richard Dawkins Award For Church-Directed Vituperation: GAIL LYONS.
Little could the mothball-soaked upper echelons of the Presbyterian Church have known that lurking in its tiny Devonport-based congregation was a Woman On a Mission Achieving Notoriety (WOMAN). The aptly named Ms Lyons has made it her speciality to devour the antiquated Christians resident at Presbyterian central command in Wellington, from where they must squirm at the prospect of being further Lyonized.
The Ben Bernanke Award For Throwing Cash At a Lost Cause; THE AUCKLAND COUNCIL , for the abandoning of its efforts to reclaim some of the legal costs relating to the Masonic battle. While the number – $NZ250k – represents a drop in the ocean compared to Bernanke’s regular trillion dollar handouts, the fact that the North Shore council allowed itself to get dragged into such an unholy and expensive mess is staggering.
The Higgs Boson Award for Being The Hardest Object To Spot; DON BRASH. Despite sending a shiver of fear down the spines of the local Nats, Bronny “To the hills, let’s” Dash never seemed to actually appear during the election. This non-appearance was followed by his disappearance after the election. The Speculator is also smarting for having spent $60 on an excellent caricature of Bronny, only to be obliged to permanently shelve it.
The Fukushima Nuclear Reactor Award for Best Uncontrolled Explosion; PAULINE COLMAR
The Reflection Of Squid Boat Lights Off Flocks Of Muttonbirds Award for Most Unlikely Explanation; BENJAMIN TRIP, for his hilarious account of what “really happened” in the 30 minutes before he crashed his car into Art By The Sea. Readers may be familiar with this wonderful phrase that was used by the authorities in an attempt to explain away the 1977 UFO sightings near Kaikoura. The Speculator’s rather dour day at The District Court was somewhat abated by Trip and his delightfully ineffective lawyers’ performances in front of the Judge, as they attempted to explain away an 8-hour drinking binge and its inevitable consequences.
The Operation Barbarossa Award For Stupidest Decision; BENJAMIN TRIP,
Hitler’s decision to attack the Soviet Union manifested as Operation Barbarossa; and led directly to his downfall. Trip wins this award for attempting to drive his written off car away from the scene of the crime, minus two wheels, the radiator, most of his gears, some large, important looking parts of the engine and most inconveniently, his registration plate, ensuring his inevitable downfall.
The Sir Fred Goodwin Award for The Unequivocal Denying Of Responsibility Despite All The Facts Award; BENJAMIN TRIP
The fact that it had actually done something wrong never seemed to occur to the organ sitting between Trip’s (and Goodwin’s) ears purporting to be a brain.
Those kids that have never learnt the importance of respect for others are concomitantly cursed with a dangerous narcissism that will inevitably cause them and others suffering. Trip is no longer in Devonport; and for that we should be relieved. Unfortunately, we have our own resident coterie of these kids. Let’s hope none of them grow up to be bankers.
The Ronald Reagan Award For Shortcomings in Botanic Knowledge; MICHAEL MURPHY, who claimed in one of his answers at the election debate; “In my day, we used to cut down trees and turn them into useful things like furniture.”
The Benjamin Trip Award For The Absolvement of Responsibility To Do The Right Thing ; THE PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH,
For being quite prepared to sell off St Paul’s without the slightest concern for the community, its history or those occupants of the grounds less their mortal coil. Still, it is fitting that on the slopes of Mt Victoria, the Church should be selling off what little it has left of the high ground.
The George Deverall Award For Reminding Us Of The Important Things; GEORGE DEVERALL
George Deverall is the little guy buried outside the current graveyard at St Paul’s, in what was until recently, a forgotten grave dating back to 1891. George was 8 when he was killed in a tragic accident. Having been denied his life and later his memory, he was almost also denied his resting place. Thankfully, those of us alive 120 years later can make sure the little fellow is now properly looked after.