The Devonport Speculator’s 2011 Community Awards

Posted by on Dec 18, 2011 | 4 Comments

Benjamin Trip out for a drive in his flock of muttonbirds with Fred Goodwin, fly over the Fukushima reactor while looking for the Higgs Boson, stumbled across this relic from Operation Barbarossa

Benjamin Trip, out for a drive in his flock of muttonbirds with Fred Goodwin, flying over the Fukushima reactor while looking for the Higgs Boson, stumbled across this relic from Operation Barbarossa.

Having observed the cut and thrust of another year of life in Devonport, The Devonport Speculum is proud to present its 2011 Community Awards.

The Richard Dawkins Award For Church-Directed Vituperation: GAIL LYONS.

Little could the mothball-soaked upper echelons of the Presbyterian Church have known that lurking in its tiny Devonport-based congregation was a Woman On a Mission Achieving Notoriety (WOMAN). The aptly named Ms Lyons has made it her speciality to devour the antiquated Christians resident at Presbyterian central command in Wellington, from where they must squirm at the prospect of being further Lyonized.

The Ben Bernanke Award For Throwing Cash At a Lost Cause; THE AUCKLAND COUNCIL , for the abandoning of its efforts to reclaim some of the legal costs relating to the Masonic battle. While the number  – $NZ250k – represents a drop in the ocean compared to Bernanke’s regular trillion dollar handouts, the fact that the North Shore council allowed itself to get dragged into such an unholy and expensive mess is staggering.

The Higgs Boson Award for Being The Hardest Object To Spot; DON BRASH. Despite sending a shiver of fear down the spines of the local Nats, Bronny “To the hills, let’s” Dash never seemed to actually appear during the election. This non-appearance was followed by his disappearance after the election. The Speculator is also smarting for having spent $60 on an excellent caricature of Bronny, only to be obliged to permanently shelve it.

The Fukushima Nuclear Reactor Award for Best Uncontrolled Explosion; PAULINE COLMAR

‘Nuff said.

The Reflection Of Squid Boat Lights Off Flocks Of Muttonbirds Award for Most Unlikely Explanation; BENJAMIN TRIP, for his hilarious account of what “really happened” in the 30 minutes before he crashed his car into Art By The Sea. Readers may be familiar with this wonderful phrase that was used by the authorities in an attempt to explain away the 1977 UFO sightings near Kaikoura. The Speculator’s rather dour day at The District Court was somewhat abated by Trip and his delightfully ineffective lawyers’ performances in front of the Judge, as they attempted to explain away an 8-hour drinking binge and its inevitable consequences.

The Operation Barbarossa Award For Stupidest Decision; BENJAMIN TRIP,

Hitler’s decision to attack the Soviet Union manifested as Operation Barbarossa; and led directly to his downfall. Trip wins this award for attempting to drive his written off car away from the scene of the crime, minus two wheels, the radiator, most of his gears, some large, important looking parts of the engine and most inconveniently, his registration plate, ensuring his inevitable downfall.

The Sir Fred Goodwin Award for The Unequivocal Denying Of Responsibility Despite All The Facts Award; BENJAMIN TRIP

The fact that it had actually done something wrong never seemed to occur to the organ sitting between Trip’s (and Goodwin’s) ears purporting to be a brain.

Those kids that have never learnt the importance of respect for others are concomitantly cursed with a dangerous narcissism that will inevitably cause them and others suffering. Trip is no longer in Devonport; and for that we should be relieved. Unfortunately, we have our own resident coterie of these kids. Let’s hope none of them grow up to be bankers.

The Ronald Reagan Award For Shortcomings in Botanic Knowledge; MICHAEL MURPHY, who claimed in one of his answers at the election debate; “In my day, we used to cut down trees and turn them into useful things like furniture.”

The Benjamin Trip Award For The Absolvement of Responsibility To Do The Right Thing ; THE PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH,

For being quite prepared to sell off St Paul’s without the slightest concern for the community, its history or those occupants of the grounds less their mortal coil. Still, it is fitting that on the slopes of Mt Victoria, the Church should be selling off what little it has left of the high ground.

The George Deverall Award For Reminding Us Of The Important Things; GEORGE DEVERALL

George Deverall is the little guy buried outside the current graveyard at St Paul’s, in what was until recently, a forgotten grave dating back to 1891. George was 8 when he was killed in a tragic accident. Having been denied his life and later his memory, he was almost also denied his resting place. Thankfully, those of us alive 120 years later can make sure the little fellow is now properly looked after.

4 comments

  1. Ruth says:

    Dear speculator,
    I think you deserve an award for keeping the humor flowing.
    This is not for publication but would like to know how to contact you for 2 good stories – an appropriate award might be found for the audaciousness of
    A) the folks who live at 15 arawa St who have parked their unregistered tractor for the past year in the best parking space in this small street effectively using 2 spaces and blocking the best view in Auckland, and
    B) our friend Vaughan who ripped off St Pauls by not packing any rent on the space he used, and now lives, presumably at a reduced rent at 55 King Edward pde, in a council house fronting directly onto Torpedo Bay. Q is, how did he get it? What is the contract? And how can more worthy people have a chance for such an idyllic spot?

    Sorry to get these 2 gripes off my chest. Anyway, food for thought…..

    Cheers

  2. Helen says:

    fantastic!! laughed out loud over and over because its all true.Special congratulations to Gail!

  3. Matilda says:

    Excellent! Merry Christmas Speccy!

  4. ILikeLinks says:

    Can you add links to the relevant stories above?

    I know I should ILikeLinks, but I just can’t be bovvered. But you can easily find the articles using the search bar on the home page. Ed and Sloth

Leave a comment

Lake Rd Traffic Cam
Devonport Calendar Business and Service Directory Cafe Directory
Urgent and Non-urgent Services/ Local Accomodation Teamer
Advertisement

Subscription

Subscribe by e-mail You can subscribe by e-mail to receive news updates and breaking stories.

RSS Follow Us on Twitter

Categories