The monkey that has taken up residence on the back of New Zealand’s long-suffering rugby-loving populace for the last 24 years says he’s “ready for the inevitable.”
In an exclusive interview with The Speculator, Basil the African chimp says he and his family have packed their things and are expecting to be deported back to whence they came early on Monday morning, 24th October.
“We may be simians, but we’re not stupid” Basil said. Our entire house, garden, garage and climbing tree have all been securely tethered to the choker label which has been securely fastened around the neck of NZ for the last 24 years. In fact, my wife Glenys had to remind me that it was still there, we’ve built so much of our life, both literally and symbolically upon it.
“But in the last couple of weeks , we both realized something was changing. The house has been shifting , the garden has been cracking and the tree has taken on a significant tilt, much to the chagrin of our kids, who have started a family in there.”
“We had someone come in to check out what was going on, and they confirmed that the choker label was pretty much completely detached, with only one little stitch still holding it on.”
“Apparently it was something to do with the power supply; we were getting more AC than DC, which was supposed to be fusing the label on more tightly, but somehow it had the opposite effect. I wish I could explain, but unfortunately my primitive simian cerebral cortex refused to absorb any more detail than that.”
Basil confirmed life had been pretty good for the last 24 years, with the choker label showing little sign of wear and tear. “There was a lot of worry in 1995; we were sick to our stomachs. But that seemed to help us stay put.”
Basil confirmed it was only recently things took a turn for the worse. “It was that bloody Piri Weepu’s fault” he claimed. “That dummied, short inside pass to Cory Jane who went on to score was the moment we felt the first stitch go. Then as Weepu continued to casually slot penalties from anywhere on the field, we felt another one go. But the real damage came on Saturday night, when there was a long ripping sound and pretty much the whole shooting match came off.”
Basil told The Speculator it has been a difficult moment when he and Glenys had had to break the news to the kids. “They were pretty cut up. They’ve got used to what we have to admit has been pretty much the most stable, God-fearing back we’ve ever had the privilege to occupy.”
“The really bad news is that there are not a lot of alternatives out there. There’s the English, but that bloody great hump makes it difficult to get a decent grip on anything.”
“And that Quade Cooper guy’s is a complete waste of time; his spine ends somewhere around his groin.”