The Speculator has learnt that a number of retail outlets in Devonport are selling a dangerous, addictive drug that has been responsible for the deaths of over 1100 New Zealanders in the last 10 years. Moreover, the death rate is soaring; the numbers across the country have risen from 41 in 2000 to 254 in 2008.
This follows statistics released showing 12 teenagers, some barely out of childhood, had died from consuming the drug since July 1, 2007. The drug? Alcohol.
Despite the deaths, the good news is that it is generally accepted that these numbers “aren’t bad,” given the popularity of the drug, and the fact that it’s “quite fun” to drink. “We won’t ban it” said health official Baz Spitbull, “Besides, I enjoy a good lagering after work.”
Local parent Jeremy Fisher who admits to “drinking like a fish,” says he’s happy for his kids to take the drug, even though they occasionally “throw up on the lily pad, crash the car and get into fights with the local trout.”
However, local parents are enraged at the recent discovery that local shops are selling an even less potent drug which they didn’t grow up with, and which their parents certainly did not tell them about. The drug? Colonic.
“Have these shops no conscience?” he demanded. “Our society has important traditions in drug-taking. These can’t be undermined or overthrown by these johnny-come-lately products I’ve never tried.”
Fisher called for those shops selling Colonic to be boycotted. “These guys should stick to accepted standards; fags, booze and porn are OK: Colonic is bad. It’s not rocket salad is it?”