Russians “Have Plan” for Fort Takapuna

Posted by on Aug 10, 2010 | Leave a Comment

Just when you thought the Russians had finally given up on invading New Zealand – they’re back.

The Russian government has submitted plans to the North Shore City Council for the restoration and refurbishment of the Fort Takapuna site. Claiming the site is an important part of Russia’s military history, government spokesman Vlad Impalavich believes his government’s plans for the site are “visionary.”

Cheltenham Beach at the height of the Russian scare.

Cheltenham Beach at the height of the Russian scare.

“There has never been a better example of the fear our great country has aroused in a place so far away, or so irrelevant to our military objectives. The idea that you Kiwis were running around building tunnels 10,000 kilometres away in case we decided to invade for God knows what reason instills in us such a sense of pride that we feel this site should become a shrine to the omnipotence of the Russian Bear.”

Impalavich added: “Of course, New Zealand would have been a convenient stopping off point for an invasion of Antarctica which we definitely would have considered had we run out of icy, inhospitable wastelands, but that was always an unlikely eventuality.”

While details are still sketchy, the Russian government’s proposal is said to include plans for a large heroic statue of a skeleton of a soldier asleep in a chair facing out to sea. Other features are said to involve the conversion of some of the tunnels into a ghost train ride, with dummies dressed as Russian sailors jumping out of boxes, disappearing guns and photos of scenes from The Battleship Potemkin.

The Russian Bear, while resourceful, was not particurlarly adept at adapting to water.

The Russian Bear, while resourceful, was not particularly enthusiastic about going to sea

Auckland based historian Mick Flan scoffed at the notion that Russia should consider Fort Takapuna as a symbol of its omnipotence. “Incompetence more like it” he said. “The Russian Scare ended when the Russians had their entire navy sunk by the Japanese. There’s never been a rout like it in naval history, before or since.” When confronted with this point, Impalavich claimed the battle had been a smokescreen devised to disguise a plan to invade Hawaii, which was later abandoned, due to the lack of a navy.

Russia’s plans for Fort Takapuna can be viewed at the link below:

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