Review: Devonport Wholefoods: So Special, It Must Remain A Secret

Posted by on Nov 22, 2010 | 6 Comments

The Speculator likes to think of itself as a generous creature, who expounds Christian values and understands the importance of sharing information that is beneficial to the community at large.

However, life often shines a piercing light on our weaknesses and flaws, and so too it has become obvious that The Speculator is less than infallible.

“How has this extraordinary revelation come to pass?!” I hear you cry, as you cast your mind back upon the mountains of wisdom the Speculator has imparted to you over the recent weeks.

It has come about dear reader and ad clicker, because having gorged itself upon the delights of the Stone Oven, The Speculator has found a new Xanadu. And this Xanadu, you will rue, has limited room for both me and you.

Some of you will already know the location of Devonport Wholefoods. Clutch this knowledge to your breast and guard it with your life. Dee Dub is – like many of life’s more priceless offerings – a delicate and fragile phenomena that must be guarded from the hue and cry of coarse everyday existence.

Hence, you can’t just have any old arriviste walking in off the street, although in fact, that is one of its greatest charms. The other day I entered to the sound of flamenco guitar, and sure enough, some dude with a guitar had sort of wandered in and started playing.

A few years ago, I remember walking down Parnell Rd and being struck by the uniformity of those populating the serried ranks of tables that spilled onto the footpath from the assorted cafes. Stripy shirts, gelled hair, bloated torsos and “f**k you” Raybans, jabbing mobile phones in each other’s faces as they gesticulated grandly about their plans for building higher.

It was at that moment that I pondered the possibility that the concept of the cafe in Auckland was exhausted . Not only was everyone was doing it, everyone was doing it in the same way. Like their clientele, every cafe was like every other, although their prices suggested that they considered themselves some kind of elite, boutique service. You know; bare shoulders, black t shirts, blank smiles.

I found my mind drifting to those wonderful old cafes of the West coast beaches; defined more by their purpose as placa centrale than the fashionableness of their crockery.  Some of you may remember the Oceanside pub at Mt Maunganui (admittedly on the East coast); now replaced by a vacuous white space with aluminium chairs and double digit prices.

So you can imagine my astonishment, when happening upon a nondescript door located somewhere on this planet (that’s right, I’m not even going to tell you which continent it’s on), that I discovered a lost world.

Like any dream, my first experience of Dee Dub is impossible to describe, so let me provide you with some approximate details of its sublime atavism.

They have a gramophone. And that gramophone was playing Volume 7, 20 Solid Gold Hits. Yes, Seasons in the Sun, ladies and gentlemen. And The Laughing Gnome.

There is an old green couch.

They have piles of loose walnuts in the draw of a kitchen dresser, gasping to be cracked and eaten. You are sometimes allowed to do this.

They have a kitchen dresser. Whether you are allowed to touch the drawers is unclear.

They sell Norfolk Punch.

The two maitres de – Emily and Linda – are not only charming and vivacious but are also expert barristas who possess that Holy Grail of social skills – banter. The last time I heard banter on Parnell Rd was when some property oik unkindly suggested Andrew Krukziener had engineered global warming in a vain attempt to stave off bankruptcy by turning the Metropolis into a waterfront property.

I suspect you are now beginning to understand my reluctance to share the details of this extraordinary manifestation of Shangri La with you.

I mean, what would happen if – on publishing the address – you all flocked to the front door, demanding coffee, charm, walnuts and banter? The spell would be broken. And so, esteemed reader, would my heart.

I know what you’re thinking. The Speculator’s review of the Stone Oven attracted several comments along the lines that I should stop ogling the waitresses and fess up to having a secret crush on them. What woeful correspondence! There are few good things one can say about getting old, but the gradual dispersion of romantic obsession is one of them.

I could tell you that DW doesn’t have a huge selection of cakes and croissants, or only a limited selection in the way of cafe snack food, and in fact no actual tables to sit at, but these are ethereal details that perform bit parts in the play of social intercourse. Don’t go there to reflect. Don’t go there to read. Don’t go there to discuss pressing matters. Go there to commune. With nature? Nah. With The Universe? Yeah, but only when it can get in.

So there it is. You can visit the Speculator. You can click on the ads. You can search for clues among the vast riches contained within its pages. You can visit the site again – with a different browser. Perhaps a different PC. You can even change your Internet provider. But the secret will remain. Dee Dub is for those who know. The rest, I’m afraid, must simply find out.

And no looking in the phone book.

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6 comments

  1. M says:

    Best coffee, best barristers in Auckland.

  2. Jerry says:

    It’s not a cafe that sells wholefood. It’s a wholefood store that sells coffee – and a very good wholefood store too!

  3. True says:

    Ha!! Finally I found it. You gave the clue in your 1/2 day walk around Devonport post where DW is the ONLY reason for walking from CENSORED – ed to Devonport via CENSORED – ed and then CENSORED – ed. Why else would you do that! It’s taken me all this time to track it down but I jumped in my car and headed there as soon as I figured it out this morning. Have to say though I idled on the corner of those two roads for a few seconds before I even spotted it :(. Great coffee and all sorts of wholefood supplies I thought Devonport didn’t provide. Am I the only one slow on the uptake???? I think you OWE them a banner headline with the address very prominent.

    Well er, Mr/Ms True, if you were to employ that new fangled telephone line which has the Interpol or Interpet or whatever it’s called – or indeed the telephone directory – its location might be revealed to you. You would have to become a fugitive however, if you were to disclose that information to any third parties. And as you know, The Speculator has at least one webcam….. – Ed

  4. Just a little hint – you can almost spy this extraordinary haven of all that is good, in the web cam images circulated by this very website. Discover and enjoy…

    ..easy trigger….. – Ed

  5. D says:

    this is a great shop/cafe – fantastic cocoa powder and they sell the most wonderful tea cosies !

  6. Do says:

    Great atmosphere and great people there. Yes, I know where it is, and just don’t get why you aren’t telling everyone else…

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