North Head Tunnels To House Large Hadron Collider

Posted by on Mar 16, 2010 | Leave a Comment

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Lord Janks at the launch of his most recent venture - PERT.

♣ ASS Inc. (Auckland Super State Incorporated) today announced it had won the bid to build the world’s new Large Hadron Collider (LHC) in the tunnels of Devonport’s North Head. The new joint venture, known as ASSLHC, will be headed by President for Life Lord Bon “Jovi” Janks and whoever he feels like appointing to the Board.

Devonport residents who protested at the announcement were  last seen being herded into Allen Hill Stadium, so “no comment” was assumed to be their official position.

Lord Janks was pleased a use had finally been found for what he described as “that volcanic wasteland” of Devonport. “God has certainly deserted that place forsaken of God and God forsaken of Godliness. It seems only right, proper, good, decent, acceptable and personally beneficial (that’s enough – Ed) that Devonport might be the place the “God Particle” is finally found.”

However, Lord Janks became enraged when reporters informed him the particle in question had been named by scientists as the “Higgs Bosom.” “That’s just typical of those f%^&$g atheists” he screamed. “Sex, sex sex. That’s all they think about. Sex. Sex. I have no problem with this huge tube ejaculating plasma at close to the speed of light deep inside the North Head tunnels, but why do they always have to bring it back to sex. Sex. Sex.”

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Janks gets his hands on a model of the Higgs Bosom

When complete, ASSLHC will rank alongside Janks’ other great organisational triumph – PERT (Party for Earnest Religious Teaching), now headed by “Brave” Sir Brian Bishop.

Janks’ heart rate is 666bpm.

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