Immigrants Set To Swamp Devonport

Posted by on Sep 17, 2010 | 5 Comments

Some English residents pretending to sunbathe in Christchurch. Could they be coming to Cheltenham?

Some English residents pretending to sunbathe in Christchurch. Could they be coming to Cheltenham?

Devonport braces itself for influx of refugees, NZ Navy ready to sink vessels if necessary.

As the aftershocks continue to reverberate through the city of Christchurch the Speculator has learned that the Devonport local authorities and other government bodies, including the New Zealand Navy, are steeling themselves for a possible influx of boat people fleeing the earthquake.

These boat people are Christchurch-based Poms who have commandeered whatever marine craft they have been able to find, in order to sail up the coast seeking refuge from the earthquake. Devonport is believed to be their preferred destination in view of the high density of their compatriots already living here.

The Speculator spoke to a leading Auckland sociologist who commented that these Pommie “boat people” are desperate and will do anything to get ashore at a place like Devonport. “You have to understand” he advised “ that these people  fled England to get away from a life of abject misery; it is dark by 3pm for much of the year, they had to learn Polish to get a plumber and the never ending media coverage of  the sex lives of Big Brother contestants and Susan Boyle were a constant accompaniment to their palpably meaningless lives.

“When they got to Christchurch they were able to travel back in time fifty years and start again in a truly English city. However, the earthquake has changed all of that; the rose gardens having disappeared down large craters, the local golf club bunkers are now 10 metres deeper than before and afternoon tea parties have been cancelled due to Bramptins not being able to send in fresh supplies of tea and cakes. I have even heard of one family who lost their entire DVD collection of Only Fools & Horses in the earthquake.”

Should these refugees make it ashore, there is considerable concern regarding the social and economic implications for the Devonport community. One local school principal highlighted the tremendous challenge of integrating a sudden influx of English children. “We already try very hard to integrate the existing Pommie children at our school by getting them to understand that “sweet as” and “choice” are in fact complete sentences not requiring nouns and verbs.

The English immigrant is said to be vulnerable to the excessive consumption of lager

The English immigrant is said to be vulnerable to the excessive consumption of lager

However, large numbers of additional “Brit Brats” could cause a total breakdown in the daily running of the school, especially if they insist on wearing shoes to class, trousers in the summer and being unable to participate in any sports whatsoever.”

Local residents are also concerned at the potential damage that could be done to Devonport culture. One long term Devonportonian bemoaned the fact that Victoria Road may soon be full of curry houses, the waiters and waitresses will all get grumpy, and the quality of traditional Kiwi fish and chips will plummet.

Another resident sighed that it would only be a matter of time before page 3 of the Flagstaff was “featuring revealing shots of Chastity from Waterview Rd who is almost 18 and likes to ride in the back of a fast ute whilst sucking on a pineapple lump.”

Some resident are more positive about the situation and are hoping that this potential influx of Poms might bring a much needed boost to the Devonport economy. The Speculator understands that a local central heating firm is already hiring new  staff and estate agents in the town have told sellers to increase their prices by at least 25%.

A bank economist however pointed out to the Speculator that people should not confuse this influx of Poms with previous immigration surges. “ When this happened a few years ago it was a totally different global financial situation. In those days these pallid Anglo-Saxons were selling their 1 bed apartment in Clapham and buying 3 or 4 villas in Devonport in addition to a 30 foot yacht. The current recession and the collapse of the Pound means that the whinging wretches will be struggling to buy one villa needing renovation, a bach and a second hand SUV. “

Sharks from Kelly Tarlton's have been deployed around Devonport's coast to discourage the influx of immigrants

Sharks from Kelly Tarlton's have been deployed around Devonport's coast to discourage the influx of immigrants

In an attempt to stop the influx, the Navy has launched its entire fleet of offshore patrol vessels to monitor any unidentified craft approaching Cheltenham or Narrow Neck beaches. A commander of one of the vessels advised that they are under orders to only use force if absolutely necessary. He advised, “Our preference is to remind them of the Ashes series starting in December and to show them pictures of sunburnt bodies in Union Jack shorts with hankies on their heads eating Christmas pudding on Bondi Beach, the hope being that they will see Devonport as a less attractive refuge and keep on sailing across the Tasman.”

The police have asked the Speculator to warn Devonport residents that if they see any unfashionably dressed people wearing socks and sandals wading ashore while complaining about the sandflies then they should immediately call their local community police officer.

Special Report by The Woodpecker


  1. Jo says:

    I’m a Pom living in Devonport, and that made me laugh my head off (mainly cos I’m already here!). Absolutely brilliant!

  2. rb says:

    Still laughing! What does the writer do in his/her day job?

  3. Colin says:

    We shall fight them on the beaches…

  4. Rachael says:


  5. Joan says:

    Very funny – as a Pom myself I’m glad I made it to shore in time..

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