UPDATED: DEVONPORT RESPONDS – Auckland Super State Authorises Drone Attack

Posted by on Sep 16, 2010 | Leave a Comment

The next target could be Stanleystan

The next target could be Stanleystan

UPDATED:  Devonport responds to drone attack threat with warning shot across the bows.

In a clear signal to the malcontents currently attempting to amass an ASS on the other side of the harbour, Devonport today responded to the imminent drone strike with its own statement of intent.

In an echo of Wat Tyler’s stand on Blackheath, London in 1381,  hundreds of residents gathered on North Head to witness what one described as “the first blast of the trumpet against the monstrous regiment of ASS.”

Several volleys were fired across the harbour, although no injuries have yet been reported. “Banks & Brown are our only target.  Auckland City residents are collateral damage” a spokesperson for council said.

One witness noted that the residents of Stanleystan – clearly visible huddled with noses pressed against the windows of Devon Towers – appeared to be “quaking in their boots.”

Additional reporting by FOURLEGS.


In a move that was predicted by The Speculator back in 1963, the Auckland Super State (ASS) has authorised a drone attack on the citizens of Auckland.

The Banks Buster. Apparently its bark is worse than its bite

The Banks Buster. Apparently its bark is worse than its bite

While details are still coming in, the attack is somewhat surprisingly being actively promoted by ASS, who want Aucklanders “to know what they’re in for.” ASS Drone Attack Coordinator (ASSDAC) Arthur Wipe announced “We’re pretty confident that once ASS is in place, Aucklanders will have no idea what has hit them. So the drone strike is a great way to give them a taste of what is to come.”

Wipe told media that the drone strike would begin at 6:30 tonight, and would probably never stop, given the potency of the weapons ASS plans to deploy.

“We call them our Weapons of ASS Destruction (WAD). “The ‘Banks Buster’ is a weapon that can drone on in a high pitched rant for periods of up to 25 years, and this should pretty much wipe out most of the CBD. We’ll then deploy the ‘Brow-n-Beater’, a weapon with a slow fuse that explodes in a frenzied drone of self-flagellation, which should put paid to Manukau and Waitakare.”

“Then in order to maximise collateral damage on the North Shore, a secondary strike, named “schmuck and bore”, will be launched using the ‘Will. I. Am’ drone, which will go off early in the morning, flooding Auckland’s telecommunications sytems with furious yet incomprehensible text messages.”

The Will.I.Am rocket has previously misfired. In this image, it lies "washed up" on the North Shore

The Will.I.Am drone has previously misfired. In this image, it lies "washed up" on the North Shore

Wipe added “Any survivors will be immediately hit with rates rises, massive bureaucracy, endless call waiting times at the contact centres and gridlock, none of which they will have had any experience of before. They are sure going to know ASS kicks ass.  In fact, we are going to establish Sept 16th as a new anniversary day in the Auckland calendar: ASSDAC day.”

ASS CEO Mr I. Xavier Tall,  was so unconcerned about anything except ensuring the parking ticket given to the large crane lifting his 60 foot oak desk into his 23rd floor office could be claimed on expenses, he could not be reached for comment.

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